assalamualaikum
something happened today. i felt a very new emotion inside my heart and i couldnt stop spacing out.
as someone who was born in mostly females surrounding, went to only one gender school and even dont really have close male friends with me, i tend to fall in love easily. um, maybe i just utter the word easily but im not sure whether its love or not or maybe some admiration coming from natural attraction of a female towards another gender.
despite falling for another endlessly, i make it a habit to not admit it. because i know, the moment i admit, it means i have created a space in my mind for him to come and go as much as he like. hence, this doesnt happen for every guy. only those, i failed to not admit-
my first crush, my first love
he got engaged today.
i thought i everything was okay. i thought, as we grow up, those feelings will grow out too. or i thought, i never have been in love, it was just a foolish admiration towards the most cute guy in my class. but i think i just fool myself again.
what do i thinking when i have crossed path with him for few times ever since then? those feelings crawling back into my heart and head like crazy and lol im strong???? im just weak maderfaker that love too hard.
i want to say im hurt but im not sure. but there is a large gap occuring in my heart when i saw the news. when i saw his smile, his's love one, and how pretty she is and how they both are very beautiful. how she kissed his mother out of courtesy and how everything was very beautiful. fck my esteem but this dark side of me was thinking if i was at her place how ugly it will gets.
im not sure. am i hurting? do i? but we were never together in the first place. but it got me thinking. maybe because my love was never ended, hence it keep hanging there in idle and always ready to be in love again just in case one day, we are meant to be together. again, laughing my ass off. who am i to think that way?
funny but i hope i confessed properly before. i wish to got rejected clearly on my face and just move on. now, it feels as if there is bit of him left on me that i forgot but my heart remembers. now that 'bit' have awake and is lost.
im not sure what to do with this 'bit'. i know i shouldnt keep it but im not sure what to do either. but what i know, it's hard to smile. even faking it is hard.
now, how people went through break up again? i dont think im ready for that.
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