assalamualaikum
funnily speaking i am back here writing. looking back at my drafts and post, make me thinking how the way i think is the same. too many things happened and suddenly it's almost december 2023.
1. i quit my job
looking back at my post i was surprised by how the thoughts of quiting have been existing ever since february which was like 5 months into working life? and how i looove my job but the toxicity just got higher everyday i remain there? despite new friendships bloom, and how i dont feel like outsider anymore staying at the office, and how i bawl my eyes out when they suddenly make a farewell session for me and how one of older collegeue that i closed too, decide to sing a song for me during my last day? i love and miss everything so much. maybe a little bit much that the moments still rings in my mind.
which im very grateful for. Despite all the fights occured at workplace, i love how only these beautiful moments visits my memory.
2. i further my studies
finding one thing i love about my job - which is my student, i decide to further my studies and improve myself to the next level. lets be honest, i do this for money. it sad how devastating the work life is where we need to fight for everything. ingatkan sampai zaman sekolah je.
it is indeed a lonely journey. no more support system like you had during degree days. You are your own support system. you gotta pick your life back everytime and you is just there.
lets pray i could get over this because i sometimes, miss talking to people.
3. love is pain in the ass
hate me for saying this but im still single at this age of 25. stupid me to think a man would suddenly came into my life and make everything seems like flower. i have come to the moment that love sucks.
if love not gonna come to me then neither do i.
although that silhouette keep playing on my mind but lets be real, you are alone. no one gonna love you bitch. so love yourself up. dont wait for others and love yourself.
i feel very suffocated thinking about that certain person. how our small and short moments have become the highlighted performance in my mind, how i wanted so much reiterate those moments very much, but you aren't even part of my life. how to cast you when you not even know about the audition??
i love you so much that i hate it.
i guess the prayers worked? i wish that if you are not for me, then please me you away from me. i guess it has been showing all these time but im just refuse to admit. maybe im just blind towards you.
4. my friendship have indeed become too small - i think
growing up, building relationship with new people tend to break the old relationship. which, i am that old relationship.
something very obvious that i realise at this age, maintaining a relationship requires both parties. Think it like a love relationship with your partner, i believe friendship require the same amount too. dont expect to be given too much when you have nothing to offer me in return. it's sucks. it hurts a lot. and i miss them a lot. maybe too much. but i rather get hurt in this way than talking with person with no efforts.
much to speak, i have become very careful in bonding with people. i dont even treat new employee nicely or openly unless it involve work matters. but if you're nice, i will treasure you so much.
all in all, this is me. this is my next chapter. i had so much fun in the previous chapter that the loneliness seems too obvious in this chapter. i hope this chapter remain short and cute with no climax whatsoever. but if there gonna be one, please be a good one.
i love you myself, keep your head and principle strong,
life is tough, but you are tougher.
xx
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