assalamualaikum,
a very random post but yeah it need to be put in writing so here we goes.
Today, on 3rd december 2021, was my first time ever facilitating for af& at international level. To be honest, when K chose me to participate at international level i was nervous as hell. but exciting at the same time. The welcoming emails always made my day and even the first meeting was great so i was really looking forward everything. But working at international level means you handling diversity of people at the same time. Include those who have different work ethics than you. so this thing is not a first thingy and i am part of subsequent batch. I was pretty overwhelmed by every emails, groups that coming through to the extend i missed out dates and decide to fully commit to my law life again.
Until the most important email came in. We chose the dates we free and tada~ im part of instructor for the next session. It was super exciting i will say although my mind is a mess with alot of things going on from many aspects. I am excited to discuss with my partner(s) and to get know each other as i observed before this, everyone was on the clouds as i do. BUT THAT WAS NOT EVERYONE.
Apparently, aside from school program, im being ghosted internationally. i wonder why these type of people keep existing and keep leading projects? it was so hard to not care about them because im someone who need to know everything if in a program especially the one i manage.
Sent an email 5 days before. None got reply. Lucking the pic was not the same. alhamdulillah. i got last minute volunteer join along with me. I was pretty confident and preparing myself to conduct the whole session alone but Allah have better plan and journey for me and He know i cant do it if im alone. Because He is definitely right.
The session i conducted today is the worst among worst for my entire 4 years facilitating for AFS. this include physical and virtually. and i am feel very sad about it. but im gonna stay strong. im sad. but like strongly sad. part of me feel lega sebab this thing have consumed a big part of my brain and finally im done with this responsibility. But part of me is so freakin angry with myself for my failure to take care of laptop properly that i need to use other people laptop at the end of the day. No one know me better than my own laptop (get well soon sayang).
It was bad session. My internet keep losing, i couldnt see the slides well, and the script i put was like idk how to see it anymore. same questions keep repeating on the welcoming session and i feel like wanna smack in the ass me 2 hours before. luckily it was only few student who joined.
But sumpah. i wonder why this thing keep happening to me lately? i will be very excited for big projects and then mesti akan ada sekumpulan kambing hitam dalam kumpulan yang always make me doubt my leading skills. bitch, what you want ah? so hard to reply is it. dem. But then this thoughts came in. Is it because i am able to hadap this thing now and not before? is it because i have grow stronger to hadap this thing? is it because to put me down on my space so it can make me always wonder about my leadership skill? or is it to show the toxicness of people i know? or what? serious. I hope i can know the answer soon.
Thats all. J really saves me tonight. He know i cannot do this alone hence, he sent someone i know. Bye!
04122021
0223AM
