hello
yes. it's real. im back to my precious best friend- my blog.
sad but it's true. in fact, as writing this i realized that this is the only place i can tell everything (well not really everything) but just a place where i can say everything, pour every feelings and just to be listened for once. weird because this is the internet, public. but as much as i trying to show many cant see it.
it's 2021.
true. bukan lagi tahun wawasan 2020 tapi sudah 2021. does that mean we are successful now? not sure. what im sure, 2020 was like a journey where you can see everything outside but you cannot get out from the car. you just cant. now, the journey have went to 2021 and yeah here i am writing back in this blog after my only one post on 2020. ugh these numbers are just frustrating to see.
but as much as the year is moving forward, but my mind is going backward. this year im gonna be 23. and scaredly by myself i realised alot of thing and i want a lot of things too. who would ever expected that 20 something fatini gonna be so gloomy and sad all the time? but im glad i keep this blog, i can see the happy me again in the past.
some that i wanna share what i learnt so far in my life and stupid enough i hope you do realised these too.
1. Never say something carelessly.
for sure never judge anything. it's true when they say what you say will get back to you. you might not think you will go through something like that but just keep quiet ok? sometimes saying it means you acknowledge the existence and it will go back to you someday. can be positve or negative. so instead of saying bad things, keep on saying good things, who know? although our heart is ugly, the lips still pretty.
2. Born Muslim doesn't means you know Islam better.
hit me really hard. when i first stumbled upon the words "you still need to find islam although you are a born muslim", i was speechless. it was like an answer to why does i dont really feel the sparkles when you are in love with something. Sad, angry, frust, it just mixed up. as far as i am happy that one of my japanese friend had converted to Islam but when he asked me about islam, i feel so far. too far. how does me who have been a muslim throughout my life feel so distant with the feeling of love with islam. do i actually feel it? the worse upon all, i even questions some of lessons i learn. the desire for answer but im just hopeless. the most cruel with the society im living, the more you ask about religion it makes you seen more alim and people will expect something from you. what if im just a stupid naive girl who is so clueless about the feeling of calmness with islam but were throw with so many obnoxious expectation is because i ask more? im just curious, lost and in despair. i need answers. not expectations. if you in the journey of finding Allah, seek help and adjust your surrounding. being born muslim does not means you are more Muslim or know islam better. we all have our own journey in finding The One.
3. What you feel is real.
sadly i still questions my feelings till now. i dont know who i am. the more i get older the more i lost myself. there was some time in life, i got break down. it was really hurts and im just lost. i want, no i need help that time. i know i need one. but ironically, i couldnt think of anyone. the tears just keep on flowing. and that time, i realised, the feeling of 'unable to seek help because there is no one' is real. i am hurting and it's real.
4. Love is ok.
yep thats true but still im unable to provide any evidence. sadly, still no experience. i learnt something in regards to love but i am not sure if what i learnt true or not. but if it's true, then love is great and i am just a coward. nevertheless how many times i tried to see the positive aspect of being single i still think i am coward. i agree that love is only for brave, strong people. i am no one to judge their feelings and experience. They are heroes in their own stories.💪
dear 2021,
i am not sure of you. if it's gonna be the same like 2020, i hope i can still lose weight on 2021. i want to achieve more so i can write more for 2021.
are you gonna be a calm water? or storm? or maybe a fairy tale? i am not sure but i will try to grip myself as strong as possible.
i want to dream properly. understand my own goal or maybe understand my own feelings and try to organise my mind for once.
also for once, i want to fall in love. i realised i have been liking people but not love. not sure how it feels like but for once, i want to write my own story, be my own hero.
my future self, organise your thoughts, know your priorities. the you on february 14 2021 is supporting you so much although you have been so sad for the past few days. stop thinking too much. be brave, have courage.
i love you and what you feel is right but maybe not everyone is capable to understand you. 💙
