assalamualaikum

um this is awkward but yeah im back after so long and cant believe it's 2020 already. To be honest, there was a lot of event where i thought that "oh im gonna blog about this later" but it just never happened. which i feel kind of bad as i think this blog have been like my best friend where i shared everything i had in mind. but considering the situation right now im not sure which one i feel more guilty thinking i have exam at 3pm tmr and now is almost 130am.

So, older me, the more complicated i gets. start to wonder to i am really is. People say when it's new year, new you is coming along. oh btw, i started my 2020 really simple. had a good dinner on 31th and was studying then i heard some of the neighbors started to countdown and i realised it's 2020 already. Look up my phone before bed and it was surprising that many people celebrates new year because i though law student is a geek all the time. So i decided to have my off-study-day on 1st Jan (although i had like four days of em after my second paper) and just eat and watch netflix all day. I think i finish around 5 movies i think. can bear myself watching episodes drama because i know it is hard not to watch later.

[back to real deal]

thinking my last post was on april 2019, there was many things happened until now. cant really break it to one by one but can i just say being someone who thinks alot is tiring? coincidentally met my friend at cafe on 2nd Jan and she asked me, "whats my resolution?"

Okay to be honest i dont really think. Like i dont really give a damn on new year like every islamic new year also i be like ok cool new books okay. apa lagi new year omputih ni kan. I answered her...."I want to be more me" and she laughed saying who i was for the past year she knew me. I was lik yeah who was i.

Start to think that my 2019 was full of un-achieved goals, actions and many words was unspoken. Many words was kept in that i didnt realised i kept it for too long. Also i feel like my 2019 where i discover the fake me inside me. I have been acting like i am someone else or try to become someone else where i eventually hurts in the end. It's sad. Because these kind of feeling you dont really open up to people like "hey do you know i was acting yesterday and now it's me which im not really sure it's me". see, this thing something hard to explain and i dont even know how to share with someone. Stumbled myself with this quote

the version of me you have in your head is not my responsible

well i dont know the exact words but it make me speechless. i have been trying to level up myself with people that i look upon too. i try to be like them while im not. and kalau real takpe but what if those are only expectations they have on me that im not even the one who created it but still i feel like it's my responsible to fulfilled their expectations.

girl

it's

not

healthy

Im not sure why i think like that is it because i have been in my compartment for so long with no communications with real people or what. im just clueless. and i have been thinking about this for so long that it keep me awake at night. Im hurting, you hurting, everyone is hurting but we dont talk about this to each other? why why why why

[will continue later]