no its not about partner, but an actual friend. 

ever since university i have been keeping my circle small. i made friends with everyone but only few know the actual me. 

when your circle is small, you cant help but recognise the pattern in changes and how establishing boundaries have really making things look different and obvious. 

today i want to talk about two prominent friend i have in my life. 

The X and Y. 

The X is a friend that i made since i was 11 years old and remains my best friend till now. we separates ways but eventually always have certain moments where we update each other life and then the next day, will moving on with our own life. 

but the thing is, i am never X's first one call away. she will always reach out for guys she met at dating apps for help or someone a guy that have long ago vanished. which is frustrating. kinda pissed off like am i that unreliable? cant i be there when you need help? and i always be the last one to opt too. which make me wonder, is this what friends supposed to be?

and then we have Y. 

Y is a friend that we once confronted each other and eventually made up and now, become close. but ever since we finish university, Y seems to have it hard at her job which make her very distant to keep on contact too. So i tried to tolerate but unreply messages with similar reasons multiple times is just not ok. i even tried to reply as soon as you reply so we can continue the conversation. but nowadays, it seems like we are not conversing anymore which made me mad. but the most infuriating is, you still update your socmed with your life. why cant you spend that time to reply? 

So i decide to ignore you. ignore your call, ignore your text and just see how far will you go to contact me back. and along the way i saw you had hard time at work. similar with X, your first reach out is social media. 

Im done with this kind of 'friend'ship. 

0111

05032024

 

assalamualaikum 

something happened today. i felt a very new emotion inside my heart and i couldnt stop spacing out.

as someone who was born in mostly females surrounding, went to only one gender school and even dont really have close male friends with me, i tend to fall in love easily. um, maybe i just utter the word easily but im not sure whether its love or not or maybe some admiration coming from natural attraction of a female towards another gender. 

despite falling for another endlessly, i make it a habit to not admit it. because i know, the moment i admit, it means i have created a space in my mind for him to come and go as much as he like. hence, this doesnt happen for every guy. only those, i failed to not admit-

my first crush, my first love 

he got engaged today. 

i thought i everything was okay. i thought, as we grow up, those feelings will grow out too. or i thought, i never have been in love, it was just a foolish admiration towards the most cute guy in my class. but i think i just fool myself again. 

what do i thinking when i have crossed path with him for few times ever since then? those feelings crawling back into my heart and head like crazy and lol im strong???? im just weak maderfaker that love too hard. 

i want to say im hurt but im not sure. but there is a large gap occuring in my heart when i saw the news. when i saw his smile, his's love one, and how pretty she is and how they both are very beautiful. how she kissed his mother out of courtesy and how everything was very beautiful. fck my esteem but this dark side of me was thinking if i was at her place how ugly it will gets. 

im not sure. am i hurting? do i? but we were never together in the first place. but it got me thinking. maybe because my love was never ended, hence it keep hanging there in idle and always ready to be in love again just in case one day, we are meant to be together. again, laughing my ass off. who am i to think that way? 

funny but i hope i confessed properly before. i wish to got rejected clearly on my face and just move on. now, it feels as if there is bit of him left on me that i forgot but my heart remembers. now that 'bit' have awake and is lost. 

im not sure what to do with this 'bit'. i know i shouldnt keep it but im not sure what to do either. but what i know, it's hard to smile. even faking it is hard. 

now, how people went through break up again? i dont think im ready for that. 

13112023

2045

Labels: hurt, love, personal

• tutorial
• tutorial
• tutorial
• tutorial
• freebies
• freebies
• freebies
• freebies

Manarie li que vaqeriao |At vver eos et accusam dignissum qui blandit est praesent luptatum delenit aigue excepteur sint occae. Et harumd dereud facilis est er expedit distinct. Yoii rockem sockem mow-em yown. Manarie li que vaqeriao. Occae et harumb bet theap. Est praesent luptatum. Ha! Bis nostrud exercitation ullam mmodo consequet. Duis aute in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. At vver eos et accusam dignissum qui blandit est praesent luptatum delenit aigue excepteur sint occae. Et harumd dereud facilis est er expedit distinct. Et harumd dereud facilis est er expedit distinct. Yoii rockem sockem mow-em yown. Manarie li que vaqeriao. Occae et harumb bet theap. Est praesent luptatum. Dignissum qui blandit est praesent luptatum delenit aigue excepteur sint occae. Et harumd dereud facilis est er expedit distinct. Et harumd dereud facilis est er expedit distinct. Yoii rockem sockem mow-em yown. Manarie li que vaqeriao. Occae et harumb bet theap. Est praesent luptatum. Ha! Bis nostrud exercitation ullam mmodo consequet. Duis aute in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. At vver eos et accusam dignissum qui blandit est praesent luptatum delenit aigue excepteur sint occae. Et harumd dereud facilis est er expedit distinct.