▶ 05 October, 2025 5:59 AM 0 comment
i hate the stage of my life right now.
and the worst is this is not the first time im feeling like this.
this deep loneliness, darkness and just feel like you are helpless.
mess
▶ 28 September, 2025 11:02 AM 0 comment
assalamualaikum
it's that unsettling feeling all over again. and i wish nothing but to only cry.
post first interview last two weeks was bad. so many regrets and so many questions and so many self doubting sessions and to be honest still couldnt recover from it. aside from talking to stranger that night im no longer sure how to cope myself back at this slump.
second interview is coming soon and i am so nervous and not sure what to do. what if i sucks? what if im not who they want? what if this whole process is merely a formal act coz they have the chosen one hidden at the back? what if........
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my best friend got married. it was more sadder than i thought it was. i cried. post marriage? dont even start it. i dont know who tell these overwhelmed unknown emotion but for sure it wasnt comfortable.
ever since then, i long for love.
but looking and yearning for love is not easy. to the extend i feel like self hatred is coming through.
this slump is not making me feel any better nor i was doing better. i am aware of this slump ever since i lived and study alone back in bangi. little did i know it return when im surrounded by family.
friends who got married are not that good either. what do i expect from those who gives too little? all they can see is their husband and no others. hence, friends love was crumble on the floor and no action means no feelings ought to be hurt.
i want that unconditional love. that big love that provide assurance and company. that big love that i no longer question myself. that big love that would love me as it is.
but do i deserve it?
again, repeated unanswered questions and feelings. hate for feeling too much.
this is a mess.
like my mind.
29092025, 0149
